He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
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my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
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no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"