Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
it glows. i had to have it.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
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Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.