Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
