this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers