Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
