why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.