The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.