if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
