There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'