we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
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yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.