It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
