Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"