Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
