I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation