Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
