This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.