GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Quick, to the slutcave!
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do