Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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