i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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