Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...