All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.