I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
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mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I cockslap morals
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride