When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"