He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.