it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
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Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever