so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
