You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.