I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.