Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Come on in and take your pants off
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