I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.