I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?