I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
