Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
what ever happened to devon sawa?
i'm really worried about him.
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.