May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
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you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?