I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section