saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
