awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this