update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
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I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
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Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.