i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
