he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward