Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Come see our sink grown plant.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
