she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
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Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis