well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
Banned from zoo.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that