I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
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Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
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considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.