So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
