Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.