Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor