I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
its not stalking. its research.
How drunk are you??
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.