Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor