I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Your mouth is God's brothel.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.