Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.